What If It (Reconciliation) Doesn't Work?

God does not hold us responsible for results, but He does hold us responsible for what we do and how we do it. As far as broken relationships are concerned, it is our Christian duty to imitate our heavenly Father and follow the steps modeled by Him. If we have made a sincere effort to do so and the issues are still unresolved, then the following suggestions should be considered:

Don't Blame Yourself. The psalmist wrote, "My soul has dwelt too long with one who hates peace. I am for peace; but when I speak, they are for war" (Psalm 120:6,7). Can you identify with his frustration? Sometimes it may seem that you have tried everything to make peace, but the other person keeps attacking and tossing bombs at you. When that happens, you need to do what you can and then leave the rest up to God.

When relationships break down, both sides must be willing to work toward repairing them. Unfortunately that doesn't always happen. So often when one side tries to work things out, the other doesn't cooperate. Like the psalmist, we may be for peace but "they are for war." Therefore, the blame is not ours but theirs. It is their attitude that hinders the restorative process. It may be bitterness, fear, anger, shame, resentment, or even pride. Whatever it may be, the fault is theirs and not ours. If we have done all we can, and the relationship is strained, they must answer to God for it.

Trust God To Change the Other Person. The apostle Paul wrote to Timothy the following words of advice: "And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth" (2 Timothy 2:24,25). We would do well to heed these words. When we have others opposing us, we should not be quarrelsome. But we should be gentle and patient. We should talk to them meekly and courteously. And even though our efforts may not seem to make any difference at all, God is able to change their attitudes and their behavior.

Therefore, we should be encouraged. We may have failed at first, but that may not be the case in the long run. We must be patient and pray for them. We must trust God to change them.

Get the Help of a Third Party. Sometimes it takes a mediator to bring people back together. While in prison, the apostle Paul mediated a dispute between a servant named Onesimus and his master Philemon. Evidently, the servant had wronged his master and deserted him. Some time later, Onesimus met the apostle and became a Christian. Paul wrote a letter to Philemon to let him know what had happened. In a wonderful expression of Christian love, Paul appealed to Philemon to restore Onesimus, not merely as a servant but as a Christian brother. Paul also made himself accountable for any loss that Philemon may have suffered at the hands of Onesimus (Philemon 16-18).

Like Philemon and Oneslmus, we may need a negotiator too. Our mediators should be godly, wise, and loving. They should be people who understand us and the situation. They should be impartial and objective in their judgments. And above all, they must be sensitive to God's leading. Whether it be a pastor, a counselor, or a trusted friend, a mediator can be effective where we have failed.

“The best way to destroy your enemy is to make him your friend.”

-- Abraham Lincoln

Love Them Unconditionally. Even though we may not have been successful in removing the reason for conflict between us and others, we must love them anyway. Our desire should be to treat them right no matter how they feel or act toward us.

In 1 Corinthians 13:4, 7 read Paul describing the qualities of unconditional love for others:

We should be patient: This requires a conscious and often difficult effort to refrain from reflex retaliation. We should cultivate the ability to respond in
a Christlike way when we are wronged.

We should be kind: Choosing to do deeds of kindness gives us the ability to respond to mistreatment with goodness. Our opponent will be thrown
off guard by such an unexpected response!

We should not be jealous: When our enemies succeed, we should not covet their good fortune. Although they may not deserve what they are receiving, we must completely entrust ourselves to God.

We should not brag: Any speech that wrongly promotes us to make us look better than those who reject us is inappropriate.

We should not be big-headed: Pride sets up barriers to resolving conflicts. It keeps us from making the personal sacrifices that are often needed to
patch up tattered friendships.

We should not be rude: You certainly don't put out a fire by pouring gasoline on it, and you certainly do not subdue anger by more harsh words. No matter how badly we have been hurt, disrespectful or inconsiderate comments are out of place.

We should not be selfish: We are not to be concerned only with our own wants and needs. We must train ourselves to be equally interested in the concerns of those with whom we are at odds.

We should not be quick-tempered: When people irritate us, do we lash out without thinking? This doesn't please God. A person with a "hair-trigger" temper needs to learn to put his mind in gear before his mouth.

“The most important time to hold your temper is when the other person has lost his.” -- Harold Smith

We should not hold grudges: If we don't keep mental records of wrongs done against us, we will not desire revenge against those who have hurt us.

We should not delight in evil: When our adversary suffers a downfall or an injustice of any kind, we are not to gloat over his misery.

We should always rejoice with the truth: When God's Word is obeyed and people respond properly to problems, we should praise God and rejoice.

We should be protective: Honest concern for those with whom we have strife will keep us from hanging out their "dirty laundry" for all to see.

We should be trusting: Instead of anticipating the worst from people or looking suspiciously at those who reject us, love gives the benefit of the doubt.

We should be hopeful: Love is optimistic about the possibility for reconciliation, always expecting positive change.

We should always be loyal: Love endures even when the going gets rough. It means remaining consistent in our attitude and actions toward those with whom we have personal conflict. When others refuse to be at peace with us, our commitment should still be to love them.

  

“If you are suffering from a bad man's injustice, forgive him lest there be two bad men.” -- Augustine

Although you may have tried to repair a broken relationship and failed, these suggestions can still be helpful. You should not give up. God is patient with sinners, wishing all to be restored to a right relationship with Him. following His example, we must leave the door open for reconciliation and do all we can to see that it happens.

Citations: Radio Bible Class (RBC)

Enoch Okon